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BRIDGE ONE LINERS etc

People with small minds talk about other people. People with
ordinary minds talk about events. People with great minds talk about ideas.
People with warped minds talk about bridge hands.

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          Do you know what the difference is between a mad psycho
serial-killer and a bridge partner? You can reason with the serial killer.

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          Learning she was going to have twins, the bridge playing wife
said, "That's just like my husband? doubling me when I'm vulnerable.


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          We had a partnership misunderstanding. My partner assumed I knew
what I was doing.


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          You know you're in trouble when the first thing the opponents
decide to do is draw trumps, and you're the declarer.


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          They were at a concert. Said she, a bridge addict, "What's that
book the conductor keeps looking at? "That's the score," answered her
escort. "Oh. Who's vulnerable??

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          Bridge is a great comfort in your old age.

          It also helps you get there faster.


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          A contestant in a tournament suddenly slumped down in his chair,
victim of what seemed like a seizure or fit of some kind. A doctor was
hastily summoned. He took the stricken man's pulse and noted that it was
steady and firm. Obviously it was no heart attack. From the victim's white
face and clammy hands the doctor surmised that this was a case of shock. A
bridge player himself, he picked up the victim's cards and studied them. He
then turned to the others at the table. "Now let me have a review of the
bidding," he requested.


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          There once was a player from Beirut


          Who thought he would try to be cute.

          He overcalled a spade


          And died as he played.


          The post-mortem: a four-card suit.

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          Overheard at the bridge club: We had a 75-percent game last
night!


          Three out of four opponents thought we were idiots.


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          There are three kinds of bridge players:


          1. Those who can count, and


          2. Those who can't.


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          Want to be an expert?

          Rule #1: Never take a finesse to make your contract when you can
go down on a squeeze play!


          Did you ever notice that experts avoid the use of Blackwood, and
novices use Blackwood with a void?


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          Joe knows nothing about the game. His wife plays twice as well.

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          A well-balanced player makes up for his inadequacy in the bidding
with his ineptitude in the play.


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          Speaking of morons:


          Did you hear about the guy who wanted to learn bridge in one day?
He bought 35 copies of "Five Weeks To Winning Bridge."


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          Did you know?


          43.6 percent of all slam contracts fail.
          62.7 percent of all bridge players are women.
          97.8 percent of all bridge statistics, including these, are made
up.


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          Sorry, partner. I woulda led my singleton... but I couldn't find
it -- it was so small.


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          Too bad, pard. That was an unlucky grand slam. The ace of trumps
was off side.
 

Acceptable excuses for not leading the suit your partner had opened: having no cards in the suit, and sudden death....Alfred Sheinwold
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It is not the handling of difficult hands that makes the winning player. There aren't enough of them. It is the ability to avoid messing up the easy ones....Alan Sontag
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It's not enough to win the tricks that belong to you. Try also for some that belong to the opponents....Alfred Sheinwold
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The real test of a bridgeplayer isn't in keeping out of trouble, but in escaping once he's in....Alfred Sheinwold
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The trouble with women is that they treat bridge as a game. They do not realize it is a war.
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If you have the slightest touch of masochism, you'll love this game.
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It's not the skill that drops off with age, it's the drive, the killer instinct...and when a man isn't primed to kill he makes mistakes.
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Bridge is a great comfort in your old age. It also helps you get there faster. ....Rueful Rabbit
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Since the average person's small supply of politeness must last him all his life, he can't afford to waste it on bridge partners....Alfred Sheinwold
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Bridge is essentially a social game, but unfortunately it attracts a substantial number of antisocial people.
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One advantage of bad bidding is that you get practice at playing atrocious contracts...Alfred Sheinwold
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"Where's the hand you held during the auction?" ... a comment Jan Nanitschke has made when dummy hits.
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South: Alert! East: Yes? South: I'm requested to further misdescribe my hand.
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Most bridge players prefer consistency in their partners rather than brilliance...Matthew Granovetter
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The sum of all technical knowledge cannot make a master contract player...Ely Cu lbertson
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The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
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Card sense is when it's technica lly right to do something, the little man that sits on my shoulder or anyone else's shoulder says, "Don't do that." And you say to yourself, "Well, wait a minute, that's the right way to play." And he says, "Yeah, but you don't wanna play that way." That instinct is card sense. It's almost an ability to feel where the cards are. It's something that you can't buy, you can't find; you're born with it. The ability to do the right thing at the wrong time or really to do the wrong thing at the right time....Barry Crane
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I'm not sure whether glory or masterpoints is first on the list, but I know learning to play better is definitely last...Eddie Kantar
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I'd like a review of the bidding with all the original inflections.
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The average defender operates in a fog of uncertainty...H. W. Kelsey
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Regardless of what sadistic impulses we may harbor, winning bridge means helping partner avoid mistakes...Frank Stewart
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A player who can't defend accurately should try to be declarer...Alfred Sheinwold
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The real secret of the expert is to make logic seem like flair....Hugh Kelsey
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If you play bridge with your wife as partner, you need at least 20 points to open, and it wouldn't hurt to have 25...Joe James
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Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make them all yourself... Alfred Sheinwold
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I favor light opening bids. When you're my age, you're never sure they're going to get back to you in time....Oswald Jacoby at 77
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I think we're all a little masochistic. Otherwise, why would we continue to play bridge?
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We had a partnership misunderstanding. My partner assumed I knew what I was doing.
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Your play was much better tonight, and so were your excuses.
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We play forcing hesitations.
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A fellow had made a bad bid and gone down for 1400. "I'm sorry," he said to his partner, "I had a card misplaced." Asked his partner innocently, "Only one card?"... Charles Goren
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If I did everything right, I wouldn't be playing with you!
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When I take a 50-50 chance I expect it to come off 8 or 9 times out of 10 ....Hideous Hog