BRIDGE TEACHER EXTRAORDINAIRE
Updated 16th May 2021
My Lady Love, My Love by Roahl Dahl
It has been my habit for
many years to take a nap after lunch. I settle myself in a chair in the
living‑room with a cushion behind my head and my feet up on a small square
leather stool and I read until I drop off. On this Friday afternoon, I was in my
chair and feeling as comfortable as ever with a book in my hands ‑ an old
favourite, Doubleday and Westwood’s The Genera of Diurnal
Lepidoptera ‑ when my wife, who has never been a silent lady,
began to talk to me from the sofa opposite. “These two people,” she said,
“what time are they coming?”
made no answer, so she repeated the question, louder this time.
I told her politely that I
“I don’t think I like
them very much,” she said . ”Especially him.” “No dear, all right.”
“Arthur. I said I
don’t think I like them very much.”
I lowered my book and
looked across at her lying with her feet up on the sofa, flipping over the pages
of some fashion magazine .”We’ve only met them once,” I said.
“A dreadful man, really.
Never stopped telling jokes, or stories, or something.”
“I’m sure you’ll
manage them very well, dear.”
“And she’s pretty
frightful, too. When do you think they’ll arrive?”
“Somewhere around six
o’clock.” I guessed.
“But don’t you think
they’re awful?” she asked, pointing at me with her finger.
“They’re too awful,
they really are.”
“We can hardly put them
off now. Pamela.”
the end,” she said.
“Then why did you ask
them?” The question slipped out before I could stop myself and I regretted it
at once, for it is a rule with me never to provoke my wife if I can help it.
There was a pause, and I watched her face, waiting for the answer ‑the big
white face that to me was something so strange and fascinating there were
occasions when I could hardly bring myself to look away from it. In the evenings
sometimes - working on her embroidery, or painting those small intricate
flower pictures ‑ the face would tighten and glimmer with a subtle inward
strength that was beautiful beyond words, and I would sit and stare at it minute
after minute while pretending to read. Even now, at this moment, with that
compressed acid look, the frowning forehead, the petulant curl of the nose, I
had to admit that there was a majestic quality about this woman, something
splendid, almost stately; and so tall she was, far taller than I ‑although
today, in her fifty‑first year, I think one would have to call her big
rather than tall.
“You know very well why
I asked them,” she answered sharply. “For bridge,
that’s all. They play an absolutely first-class game, and for a
decent stake.” She glanced up and saw me watching her. “Well,” she said,
“that’s about the way you feel too, isn’t it?”
Well, of course, I .….”
“Don’t be a fool,
“The only time I met
them I must say they did seem quite nice.”
“So is the butcher.”
“Now Pamela, dear -
please. We don’t want any of that.”
“Listen,” she said,
slapping down the magazine on her lap, “you saw the sort of people they were
as well as I did. A pair of stupid climbers who think they can go anywhere just
because they play good bridge.”
“I’m sure you’re
right dear, but what I don’t honestly understand is why ‑ “
“I keep telling you - so that for once we can get a decent game. I’m sick and tired of playing with rabbits. But I really can’t see why I should have these awful people in the house.“
“Of course not, my dear,
but isn’t it a little late now –“
“Why for God’s sake do
you always argue with me. You know you disliked them as much as I did”
“Arthur don’t be
pompous.” She was looking at me hard
wide those wide grey eyes
of hers, and to avoid them ‑ they sometimes made me feel
quite uncomfortable ‑ I got un and walked over to the French
windows that led into the garden.
The big sloping lawn out
in front of the house was newly mown, striped with pale and dark ribbons of
green. On the far side, the two laburnums were in full flower at last, the long
golden chains making a blaze of colour against the darker trees beyond. The
roses were out too, and the scarlet in the long begonias herbaceous border of
all my lovely lupins, columbine,
delphinium, sweet‑william, and the huge ‑ pale. scented iris. One of
the gardeners was coming up the drive from his lunch. I could see the roof of
his cottage through the trees, and beyond it to one side, the place where the
drive went out through the iron gates on the Canterbury Road
My wife’s house. Her
garden. How beautiful it all was! How peaceful ! Now, if only Pamela would try
to be a little less solicitous of my welfare, less prone to coax me into doing
things for my own good rather than for my own pleasure, then everything would
be heaven. Mind you. I don’t want to give the impression that I do not love
her ‑ I worship the very air she breathes ‑ or that I can’t manage
her, or that I am not the captain of my ship. All I am trying to say is that she
can be a trifle irritating at times, the way she carries on. For example, those
little mannerisms of hers ‑ I do wish she would drop them all, especially
the way she has of pointing a finger at me to emphasise a phrase. You must
remember that I am a man who is built rather small, and a gesture like this,
when used to excess by a person like my wife, is apt to intimidate. I sometimes
find it difficult to convince myself that she is not an overbearing woman.
“Arthur!” she called.
“I’ve just had a most
marvellous idea. Come here.”
I turned and went over to
where she was lying on the sofa.
“Look,” she said,
“do you want to have some fun?”
“What sort of fun? ”
“With the Snapes ? ”
“Who are the Snapes?”
“Come on, ”she said.
“Wake up. Henry and Sally Snape. Our week‑end guests.”
“Now listen. I was lying
here thinking how awful they really are .... the way they behave ... him with
his jokes and her like a sort of love‑crazed sparrow ...” She hesitated,
smiling slyly, and for some reason, I got the impression she was about to say a
shocking thing‑ “Well ‑ if that’s the way they behave when
they’re in front of us, then what on earth must they be like when they’re
“Now wait a minute,
“Don’t be an ass,
Arthur. Let’s have some fun ‑ some real fun for once - tonight.” She
had half raised herself up off the sofa, her face bright with a kind of sudden
recklessness, the mouth slightly open, and she was looking at me with two round
grey eyes, a spark dancing slowly in each.
“Why shouldn’t we ?
“What do you want to do
“Why, it’s obvious.
Can’t you see?”
“No, I can’t.”
“All we’ve got to do
is put a microphone in their room.” I admit I was expecting something pretty
bad, but when she said this I was so shocked I didn’t know what to answer.
“That’s exactly what
we’ll do,” she said.
“Here!” I cried.
“No. Wait a minute. You can’t do that.”
“That’s about the
nastiest trick I ever heard of‑ It’s like ‑why, it’s like
listening at keyholes, or reading letters, only far far worse. You don’t mean
this seriously, do you?”
“Of course I do.”
I knew how much she
disliked being contradicted, but there were times when I felt it necessary to
assert myself, even at considerable risk. “Pamela,” I said, snapping the
words out sharply, “I forbid you to do it!”
She took her feet down
from the sofa and sat up straight. “What in God’s name are you trying to
pretend to be, Arthur? I simply don’t understand you.”
“That shouldn’t be too
Tommyrot ! I’ve known
you do lots of worse things than this before now.”
“Oh yes I have. What
makes you suddenly think you’re a so much nicer person than I am ?”
“I’ve never done
things like that.”
“All right, my boy,”
she said, pointing her finger at me like a pistol. “What about that time at
the Milfords’ last Christmas ? Remember ? You nearly laughed your head off and
I had to put my hand over your mouth to stop them hearing us. What about that
“That was different,”
I said. “It wasn’t our house. And they weren’t our guests.”
“It doesn’t make any
difference at all.” She was sitting very upright, staring at me with those
round grey eyes. and the chin was beginning to come up high in a peculiarly contemptuous
manner. “Don’t be such a pompous hypocrite,” she said. ”What on
earth’s come over you?”
“I really think it’s a
pretty nasty thing, you know, Pamela. I honestly do.”
“But listen, Arthur.
I’m a nasty person. And so are you ‑ in a secret sort of way.
That’s why we get along together.”
“I never heard such
“Mind you. if you’ve
suddenly decided to change your character completely, that’s another story!
“You’ve got to stop
talking this way, Pamela.”
“You see,” she said,
“if you really have decided to reform, then what on earth am I going to do?”
“You don’t know what
how could a nice person like you want to associate with a stinker?”
I sat myself down slowly
in the chair opposite her, and she was watching me all the time. You understand,
she was a big woman, with a big white face, and when she looked at me hard, as
she was doing now, I became ‑ how shall I say it ‑surrounded, almost
enveloped by her, as though she were a great tub of cream and I had fallen in.
“You don’t honestly
want to do this microphone thing, do you?”
“But of course I do.
It’s time we had a bit of fun around here. Come on. Arthur. Don’t be so
“It’s not right,
“It”s just as right”
- up came the finger again ‑ “just as right as when you found those
letters of Mary Probert’s in her purse and you read them through from
beginning to end.”
“We should never have
“You read them
“It didn’t harm anyone
at all. You said so yourself at the time. And this one’s no worse.”
“How would you
like it if someone did it to you?”
“How could I mind if I didn’t know it was being done? Come on, Arthur. Don’t be so flabby.”
“I’ll have to think
“Maybe the great radio
engineer doesn’t know how to connect the mike to the speaker?”
“That’s the easiest
“Well, go on then. Go on
and do it.”
“I’ll think about it
and let you know later.”
“There’s no time for
that. They might arrive any moment”
“Then I won’t do it.
I’m not going to be caught red‑handed.”
“If they come before
you’re through, I’ll simply keep them down here. No danger. What’s the
It was nearly three
“They’re driving down
from London,” she said, “and they certainly won’t leave till after lunch.
That gives you plenty of time.”
“Which room are you
putting them in?”
“The big yellow room at
the end of the corridor. That’s not too far away, is it ?”
“I suppose it could be
“And by the by,” she
said, “where are you going to have the speaker?”
“I haven’t said I’m
going to do it yet.”
“My God!” she cried,
“I’d like to see someone try and stop you now. You ought to see your face.
It’s all pink and excited at the very prospect. Put the speaker in our
bedroom, why not? But go on ‑ and hurry.”
I hesitated. It was
something I made a point of doing whenever she tried to order me about,
instead of asking nicely. “I don’t like it, Pamela.”
She didn’t say any more
after that; she just sat there, absolutely still, watching me, a resigned,
waiting expression on her face, as though she were in a long queue. This, I knew
from experience, was a danger signal. She was like one of those bomb things with
the pin pulled out, and it was only a matter of time before - bang! and she
would explode. In the silence that followed, I could almost hear her ticking.
So I got up quietly and
went out to the workshop and collected a mike and a hundred and fifty feet of
wire. Now that I was away from her, I am ashamed to admit that I began to feel a
bit of excitement myself, a tiny warm prickling sensation under the skin, near
the tips of my fingers. It was nothing much, mind you ‑ really nothing at
all. Good heavens, I experience the same thing every morning of my life when I
open the paper to check the closing prices on two or three of my wife’s larger
stockholdings. So I wasn’t going to get carried away by a silly joke like
this. At the same time, I couldn’t help being amused.
I took the stairs two at a
time and entered the yellow room at the end of the passage. It had the clean,
unlived‑in appearance of all guest rooms, with its twin beds, yellow
satin bedspreads, pale‑yellow walls, and golden‑coloured curtains.
I began to look around for a good place to hide the mike. This was the most
important part of all, for whatever happened, it must not be discovered. I
thought first of the basket of logs by the fireplace. Put it under the logs. No
‑ not safe enough. Behind the
radiator? On top of the wardrobe?
Under the desk? None of these seemed very professional to me. All might
be subject to chance inspection because of a dropped collar stud or something
like that. Finally, with considerable cunning, I decided to put it inside of the
springing of the sofa. The sofa was against the wall, near the edge of the
carpet, and my lead wire could go straight under the carpet over to the door.
I tipped up the sofa and
slit the material underneath. Then I tied the microphone securely up among the
springs, making sure that it faced the room. After that, I led the wire under
the carpet to the door. I was calm and cautious in everything I did. Where the
wire had to emerge from under the carpet and pass out of the door, I made a
little groove in the wood so that it was almost invisible.
All this, of course, took
time, and when I suddenly heard the crunch of wheels on the gravel of the drive
outside, and then the slamming of car doors and the voices of our guests
I was still only half‑way down the corridor, tacking the wire along
the skirting. I stopped and straightened up, hammer in hand, and I must confess
that I felt afraid. You have no idea how unnerving that noise was to me. I
experienced the same sudden stomachy feeling of fright as when a bomb once
dropped the other side of the village during the war, one afternoon, while I
was working quietly in the library with my butterflies.
Don’t worry, I told
myself. Pamela will take care of these people. She won’t let them come up
Rather frantically. I set
about finishing the job, and soon I had the wire tacked all along the corridor
and through into our bedroom. Here, concealment was not so important, although
I still did not permit myself to get careless because of the servants. So I laid
the wire under the carpet and brought it up unobtrusively into the back of the
radio. Making the final connexions was an elementary technical matter and took
me no time at all.
Well ‑ I had done
it. I stepped back and glanced at the little radio. Somehow, now, it looked
different ‑ no longer a silly box for making noises but an evil little
creature that crouched on the table top with a part of its own body reaching out
secretly into a forbidden place far away. I switched it on. It hummed faintly
but made no other sound. I took my bedside clock, which had a loud tick, and
carried it along to the yellow room and placed it on the floor by the sofa. When
I returned, sure enough the radio creature was ticking away as loudly as if the
clock were in the room ‑ even louder.
I fetched back the clock.
Then I tidied myself up in the bathroom, returned my tools to the workshop, and
prepared to meet the guests. But first, to compose myself, and so that I would
not have to appear in front of them with the blood, as it were, still wet on my
hands, I spent five minutes in the library with my collection. I concentrated on
a tray of the lovely Vanessa cardui ‑ the “painted lady”
‑ and made a few notes for a paper I was preparing entitled “The
Relation between Colour Pattern and Framework of Wings”, which I intended to
read at the next meeting of our society in Canterbury‑ In this way I
soon regained my normal grave, attentive manner.
When I entered the
living‑room, our two guests, whose names I could never remember, were
seated on the sofa. My wife was mixing drinks.
“Oh, there you
are, Arthur,” she said. “Where have you been?,
I thought this was an
unnecessary remark. “I’m so sorry,” I said to the guests as we shook
hands. “I was busy and forgot the time.”
“We all know what
you’ve been doing,” the girl said, smiling wisely. “But we’ll forgive
him, won’t we, dearest?”
“I think we should,”
the husband answered.
I had a frightful,
fantastic vision of my wife telling them, amidst roars of laughter, precisely
what I had been doing upstairs‑ She couldn’t ‑ she couldn’t
have done that! I looked round at her and she too was smiling as she measured
out the gin.
“I’m sorry we
disturbed you,” the girl said.
I decided that if this was
going to be a joke then I’d better join in quickly, so I forced myself to
smile with her.
“You must let us see
it,” the girl continued,
“Your collection. Your
wife says that they are absolutely beautiful.”
I lowered myself slowly
into a chair and relaxed. It was ridiculous to be so nervous and jumpy. “Are
you interested in butterflies ?” I asked her.
“I’d love to see
yours, Mr Beauchamp.”
The Martinis were
distributed and we settled down to a couple of hours of talk and drink before
dinner. It was from then on that I began to form the impression that our guests
were a charming couple. My wife, coming from a titled family, is apt to be
conscious of her class and breeding, and is often hasty in her judgement of
strangers who are friendly towards her - particularly tall men. She is
frequently right - but in this case I felt that she might be making a mistake.
As a rule, I myself do not like tall men either they are apt to be supercilious
and omniscient. But Henry Snape ‑ my wife had whispered his name ‑
struck me as being an amiable simple young man with good manners whose main
preoccupation, very properly. was Mrs Snape. He was handsome in a longfaced,
horsy sort of way, with dark‑brown eyes that seemed to be gentle and
sympathetic. I envied him his fine mop of black hair. and caught myself
wondering what lotion he used to keep it looking so healthy. He did tell us one
or two jokes, but they were on a
high level and no one could have objected.
“At school,” he said,
“they used to call me Scervix. Do you know why?”
“I haven’t the least
idea,” my wife answered.
“Because cervix is Latin
This was rather deep and
it took me a while to work out.
“What school was that,
Mr Snape?” my wife asked.
“Eton,” he said. and
my wife gave a quick little nod of approval. Now she will talk to him, I
thought, so I turned my attention to the other one, Sally Snape. She was an
attractive girl with a bosom. Had I met her fifteen years earlier I might well
have got myself into some sort of trouble. As it was. I had a pleasant enough
time telling her all about my beautiful butterflies. I was observing her closely
as I talked, and after a while I began to get the impression that she was not,
in fact. quite so merry and smiling a girl as I had been led to believe at
first. She seemed to be coiled in herself, as though with a secret she was
jealously guarding. The deep‑blue eyes moved too quickly about the room,
never settling or resting on one thing for more than a moment; and over all her
face. though so faint that they might not even have been there, those small
downward lines of sorrow.
“I’m so looking
forward to our game of bridge.” I said. finally changing the subject.
“Us too,” she
answered. “You know we play almost every night we love it so.”
“You are extremely
expert, both of you. How did you get to be so good?”
“It’s practice,” she
said. “That’s all. Practice, practice,
“Have you played in any
“Not yet. but Henry
wants very much for us to do that. It’s hard work, you know. to reach that
standard. Terribly hard work.” Was there not here, I wondered, a hint of
resignation in her voice? Yes, that was probably it; he was pushing her too
hard, making her take it too seriously, and the poor girl was tired of it all.
At eight o’clock.
without changing, we moved in to dinner. The meal went well, with Henry Snape
telling us some very droll stories. He also praised my Richebourg ‘34 in a
most knowledgeable fashion, which pleased me greatly. By the time coffee came, I
realized that I had grown to like these two youngsters immensely, and as a
result I began to feel uncomfortable about this microphone business. It would
have been all right if they had been horrid people, but to play this trick on
two such charming young persons as these filled me with a strong sense of guilt.
Don’t misunderstand me. I was not getting cold feet. It didn’t seem
necessary to stop the operation. But I refused to relish the prospect openly
as my wife seemed now to be doing, with covert smiles and winks and secret
little noddings of the head.
nine‑thirty, feeling comfortable and well fed, we returned to the large
living‑room to start our bridge. We were playing for a fair stake ‑
ten shillings a hundred ‑ so we decided not to split families, and I
partnered my wife the whole time. We all four of us took the game seriously,
which is the only way to take it, and we played silently, intently, hardly speaking
at all except to bid. It was not the money we played for. Heaven knows, my wife
had enough of that, and so apparently did the Snapes. But among experts it is
almost traditional that they play for a reasonable stake.
That night the cards were
evenly divided, but for once my wife played badly, so we got the worst of it. I
could see that she wasn’t concentrating fully, and as we came along towards
midnight she began not even to care. She kept glancing up at me with those large
grey eyes of hers, the eyebrows raised, the nostrils curiously open. a little
gloating smile around the corner of her mouth.
Our opponents played a
fine game. Their bidding was masterly, and all through the evening they made
only one mis take. That was when the girl badly overestimated her partner’s
hand and bid six spades. I doubled and they went three down, vulnerable, which
cost them eight hundred points. It was just a momentary lapse, but I remember
that Sally Snape was very put out by it, even though her husband forgave her at
kissing her hand across
the table and telling her not to worry.
my wife announced that she wanted to go to bed.
“Just one more
rubber?” Henry Snape said.
“No, Mr Snape, I’m
tired tonight. Arthur’s tired, too. I can see it. Let’s alI go to bed.”
She herded us out of the
room and we went upstairs, the four of us together. On the way up, there was the
usual talk about breakfast and what they wanted and how they were to call the
maid. “I think you’ll like your room,” my wife said. “It has a view
right across the valley, and the sun comes to you in the morning around ten
We were in the passage
now, standing outside our own bedroom door, and I could see the wire I had put
down that afternoon and how it ran along the top of the skirting down to their
room Although it was nearly the same colour as the paint, it looked very
conspicuous to me. “Sleep well.” my wife said. “Sleep well, Mrs Snape.
Good night, Mr Snape.” I followed her into our room and shut the door.
“Quick !” she cried.
“Turn it on!” My wife was always like that, frightened that she was going to
miss something. She had a reputation, when she went hunting ‑ I never go
myself ‑of always being right up with the hounds whatever the cost to
herself or her horse for fear that she might miss a kill. I could see she had no
intention of missing this one.
The little radio warmed up
just in time to catch the noise of their door opening and closing again.
“There !” my wife
said. “They’ve gone in.” She was standing in the centre of the room in her
blue dress, her hands clasped before her, her head craned forward, intently
listening, and the whole of the big white face seemed somehow to have gathered
itself together, tight like a wineskin.
Almost at once the voice
of Henry Snape came out of the radio, strong and clear. “You’re just a
goddam little fool,” he was saying, and this voice was so different from the
one I remembered, so harsh and unpleasant, it made me jump. “The whole
bloody evening wasted ! Eight hundred points ‑ that’s eight pounds
“I got mixed up,” the
girl answered. “I won’t do it again, I promise.”
“What’s this ?”my
wife said. “What’s going on?” Her mouth was wide open now, the eyebrows
stretched up high, and she came quickly over to the radio and leaned forward,
ear to the speaker. I must say I felt rather excited myself.
“I promise, I promise I
won’t do it again.” the girl was saying.
“We’re not taking any
chances.” the man answered grimly. “We’re going to have another practice
“Oh no, please! I
couldn’t stand it!”
“Look,” the man said,
“all the way out here to take money off this rich bitch and you have to go and
mess it up.”
My wife’s turn to jump.
“The second time this
week, ” he went on.
“I promise I won’t do
“Sit down. I’ll sing
them out and you answer.”
“No, Henry, please! Not
all five hundred of them. It’ll take three
“All right, then.
We”ll leave out the finger positions. I think you’re sure of those. We’ll
just do the basic bids showing honour tricks.”
“Oh, Henry, must we?
I’m so tired.”
essential you get them perfect,” he said. “We have a game every day next
week, you know that. And we’ve got to eat.”
“What is this?” my
wife whispered. “What on earth is it?”
“Shhh ! ”I said.
“All right,” the
man’s voice was saying. “Now well start from the
“Oh Henry, please!”
She sounded very near to tears.
“Come on, Sally. Pull
Then, in a quite different
voice, the one we had been used to hearing in the living‑room, Henry Snape
said, “One club.” I noticed that there was a curious lilting emphasis
on the word one”, the first part of the word drawn out long.
“Ace queen of clubs,”
the girl replied wearily. “King jack of spades. No hearts, and ace jack of
“And how many cards to
each suit? Watch my finger positions carefully.”
“You said we could miss
“Well - if you’re
quite sure you know them?”
“Yes, I know them.”
A pause, then “A club.”
“King, jack of clubs,” the girl recited. “Ace of spades. Queen jack of hearts, and ace queen of diamonds.”
Another pause, then I’ll
say one club”
“Ace king of clubs . .
“My heavens alive !” I
cried. “It’s a bidding code! They show every card in the hand!”
“Arthur, it couldn’t
like those men who go into the audience and borrow something from you and
there’s a girl blindfolded on the stage, and from the way he phrases the
question she can tell him exactly what it is ‑ even a railway ticket, and
what station it’s from.”
“It’s impossible !”
“Not at all. But it’s
tremendous hard work to learn. Listen to them.”
“I’ll go one heart,”
the man’s voice was saying.
“King queen ten of
hearts. Ace jack of spades. No diamonds. Queen jack of clubs . . “
“And you see,” I said,
“he tells her the number of cards he has in each suit by the position of his
“I don’t know. You
heard him saying about it.”
“My God, Arthur! Are you
sure that’s what they’re doing?”
“I’m afraid so.” I
watched her as she walked quickly over to the side of the bed to fetch a
cigarette. She lit it with her back to me and then swung round, blowing the
smoke up at the ceiling in a thin stream. I knew we were going to have to do
something about this, but I wasn’t quite sure what because we couldn’t
possibly accuse them without revealing the source of our information. I waited
for my wife’s decision.
“Why, Arthur,” she
said slowly. blowing out clouds of smoke. “Why, this is a marvellous idea. Do
you think we could learn to do it?”
“Of course. Why not?”
“Here! No! Wait a
minute, Pamela . . .”but she came swiftly across the room, right up close to
me where I was standing, and she dropped her head and looked down at me ‑
the old look of a smile that wasn’t a smile, at the corners of the mouth. and
the curl of the nose, and the big full
grey eyes staring at me with their bright black centres, and then they were grey,
and all the rest was white flecked with hundreds of tiny red veins ‑and
when she looked at me like this, hard and close, I swear to you it made me feel
as though I were drowning.
“Yes,” she said.
Pamela ... Good heavens ... No ... After all
“Arthur, I do wish you
wouldn’t argue with me all‑the time. That’s exactly what we’ll do.
Now, go fetch a deck of cards, we’ll start right away.”